but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize