tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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