I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
did i walk over a car last night?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize