I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
Randomize
