i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
Randomize
