pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
