I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
