Got a toothbrush?
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
