I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
