Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
Randomize
