Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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