I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
You pole danced in your parka.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
