Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
