Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
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