apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
She bit a glass in half.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Found the puke drawer
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
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