this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
