We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
