a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
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