somebody snuck up and got me drunk
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
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