I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
