I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
