the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize