We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Someone signed my nipple.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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