I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
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