I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
