Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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