beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Randomize
