i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
