My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
