I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
Randomize
