Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
