i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
