It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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