what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
