The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
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