My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
