Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Who put my cat in the fridge?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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