I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
