also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
