The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize