Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
