I smell stomach acid.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
