dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
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