this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Randomize