I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
Randomize