I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
