By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I know...I feel like disliking her as a person on facebook
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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