The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.
if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
