If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
She came out of the bathroom listening to her iPod and crying. Then she started scream 'she will be loved'. She seems to be handling the break up well lol
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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