I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
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