I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
