I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
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