I want to make a zoo with you.
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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