I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
