her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
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