Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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