chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
