Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
