I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
