apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
