chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
