he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
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