I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
