you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
