Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
Randomize
