Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
