I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
