you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
Randomize